The familiar jolt was there instantly like a shot to the arm.  My vessels dilated with the focus settling me as I got into a second line.  I hugged my songbook to my chest, closed my eyes and ran my 16 bars through my head; making the emotional connections necessary as taught in my recent coachings.  I decided that it was OK to allow myself to revel in the rarity of the moment because they fuel us to endure the next round of auditions where we may experience nary a nod.  It is our protection against giving up. After a couple of minutes the door opened again.  I took two deep breaths and walked into the room for the second time…..

Sitting together in audition holding areas, sharing a glass of wine or leaning in over coffee, we remind each other that the pursuits in this profession should not be seen as ones peppered with rejection but simply as moments about not being exactly what they need.  We hold mental fortitude against the continual onslaught of doubts threatening our self-confidence.  We learn to love the process as much as the outcome; growing and improving with each experience.

Having said that, I was not surprised to observe most of that logic fly swiftly out the window as I stood in the room in those few seconds when I watched the music director’s hand brush over my headshot.  I felt the overwhelming and almost childlike desire to simply be picked.

As this round of auditions ended and I pushed the elevator button like I had done so many times over these several months, I allowed myself, again, to imagine receiving the phone call with my dream on the other end of it.

I immediately jumped in to character, bouncing up on the balls of my feet, laughing out loud so that when I heard the adrenaline-rushing words “Action!” the camera would catch me mid-fun as if just walking in on a party.  I was relieved when I heard the director say, “Exactly!” and “Good!” and finally “That should do it!” only after only a small number of takes.  In between takes, I would stand quietly on my mark and closely watch the technical activity taking place around me, an endlessly fascinating observance.  The shoot consisted of with me and two other girls strutting Charlie’s Angels-style, with me as the pack leader, out of the lobby of the Mohegan Sun Casino.  We were replete with cocktail dresses, smokey eyes, and plenty of bling.  After we wrapped the commercial, we got to take some fun still shots of the same celebratory, post-winnings scene.  This would be my second assignment sent on when, on a whim, I had submitted my headshot and had taken a screen test with a local agency.

You know how I feel about curveballs.  They come at me out of left field and strike me right in the center of my life.  They shake me, wake me, infuse me, and make me reach in ways that always makes me better in some way that will lead me to my dream’s door.  Curveballs land at my feet, causing them to shift in step, sending me in a different direction.  I find myself on a path I never conceived of before, walking through fields of opportunities, opening windows and doors of chance and possibilities.  My life, although immensely more challenging, has also become immensely more rewarding and, frankly, more fun.  The best way to describe this sensation is that I feel as though I’m walking in the shoes of my truest self.  I embrace that which makes me feel alive if not a little scared like one might feel hanging at the precipice of a rollercoaster’s exhilarating plunge.

Enjoy the ride, my friends.

Checking footage

Coffee on Set!

Bling!

I had just completed the warm-up for the Introductory to Ballet class (the class you take BEFORE the beginner class) at Koresh School of Dance.  As my hand rested on the bar to begin another combination, I stole a glance at the clock above the mirror.  I had another harsh but enlightening 60 minutes to go.

For the last couple of months, I had been working my mind-blowing way through the Koresh punch card that allotting 10 classes of my choosing to be used by a certain time.  The ballet class has introduced me to muscle groups that I didn’t know existed and that were, obviously, dormant since birth.  It has also taught me that grace and power are synonymous.  Tap has shown me the power of rhythm and how the more you give in and relax, the easier it is to be accurate.  The modern jazz class, my absolute favorite of the three, has tapped in to my sensual side, moving my body in powerful turns around an axis of sorts, all to an insistent internal rhythm.

One of the advantages of the In Between Times, coupled with being downsized, is that I’ve been able to focus on a string of very encouraging auditions, take some great acting coaching sessions, and finally get the dance training I needed.  I knew early on that dance was not only essential for the technical skills but for the profound body awareness it instills.  A powerful translation for the stage.

Slowly but surely, in small methodical steps, I’m building my trifecta of skills as I learn this new way my body moves through space.  I’ll know I’m on to something when my voice, my emotional choices behind it, and the motion of my body will no longer be seen as three moving parts but will meld together as one impactful experience that people in the audition room will be left with (and remember) long after I have left the room.

After the last of a series of acting coaching sessions concluded, I sat on the home-bound bus and looked out at the falling rain.  Resting my weary forehead on the window, I felt that twinge of worry creeping in and wondered if all of the work would eventually add up.  Would this fire in my belly ever be satisfied?

I realize that most of life’s rewards are not found within the ends but within the means.  A lot of my joy experienced is a result of the process of breaking the mold over and over.  I know the happiness of learning something new in a lesson that would make me better.  But I want the ultimate prize.  I want the end to reflect the means that I have forged.  Sometimes, such as on a dark bus, I worry that it won’t happen for me.

I have put defense mechanisms in place to combat the doubt when it brims and I smile as I remember the new one I had just added last week after a particularly good acting session on a sunny day in New York.  I replayed the words my acting coach said to me as he pointed with a serious look on his face, ”you are a leading lady.”  I stood before him after two hours of work and let out a deep breath, taking the words in.  I visualized in that moment how my feet would feel on the planks of the professional theatre stage.  The thrilling jolt I felt, just a glimpse of what the real experience would be, was enough to dispel the doubt.

As the dark bus drove through the rain, I reminded myself of that feeling and of what I said out loud as I walked briskly to my bus on that sunny Manhattan day:  ”All I need to do is never give up.”

This vocal stamp has appeared in most of my home movies throughout my childhood.  Older than the camcorder videos are scores of pictures where the intended subject in the background is blocked by my half-blurred face as I make a jump to get in front of the lens before the shutter clicks.

My family will agree when I say that for my entire life, I have been a ham.  Only a ham would admit she is a ham, yes?  This was simply who I was and has been, no doubt, a helpful trait to embody in the world of performance.

So it was with great excitement when I first took my seat at the Ambler Theater to wait for the Five Day Film Festival to begin.  The movie I was in would be screened with several others for audience and judge voting.  I was impressed with what people could create, write, film and edit given the very short time frame of five days.  And as our movie cued up, I realized very quickly how surreal it was to see your face (and your name) on the big screen.  Instead of the hesitation that I thought I would feel (I like to be in front of cameras but watching myself perform is an entirely different matter), I found myself intrigued by the experience.  I watched closely and took mental notes as to which angles looked best for me and those I didn’t like (I hate profiles).  I noted how my voice sounded or if my face reflected the emotion I was trying to get across.  It was akin to an out-of-body experience.  I was thrilled to finally be seeing the finished product and how my words and scenes fit in to the bigger picture.  I can say with certainty that I’ll do it again.

Surreal.

A heartfelt thanks to Digital Reality Films and namely Rob Coccagna, Robin Coccagna and Nick  Martorelli for this opportunity and a special thanks to Amanda Kay Schill with whom I filmed my scene.  Lesley Berkowitz was the third character in the film.

Rewards have come in breaking through my own walls.  Despite the scary experience of my first acting session turning me inside out emotionally, I forged ahead with the second one because the reward of becoming better outweighed my need for comfort.  This past weekend I participated in my first ever film shoot.  Although the medium was completely new to me, I wanted to experience acting at its most intimate so that I could engage the craft fully.  I took a modeling job, not only for the money, but to get used to stepping beyond the bonds of my comfort zone.  Later this week, I will start dance class for the first time in three decades.  I look forward to pushing my body in wonderful and challenging ways.

All of these things, I have to believe, will serenade the goal.  I must embrace the certainty that my time will come.

Photo by Megan Kelly

Was  there something that happened in your life that made you decide you wanted to be a filmmaker?

My whole life I have been making movies.  As a kid, my sister, my two cousins (one of which is John Hutelmyer, the editor of Hylo) and myself would make movies on our old VHS cameras.  Even throughout my middle school I would save up money to buy cameras and make movies with my friends.  But it wasn’t until the summer of 2007 that I really decided I wanted to become a filmmaker.

How old were you?

In 2007, I was 14, and one night while being bored on YouTube, I looked up how to do a gunshot effect.  I found this tutorial by this small video series called Indymogul:  Backyard FX or (BFX) and that site published videos on how to do special effects and also how to write and produce short films cheaply.  I was one of the first people on the forums at indymogul.com, and that site is what shaped me into the filmmaker I became.

What made you decide to pursue your dream despite any obstacles that could stand in your way?

Once I realized I wanted to be a filmmaker, nothing could really stop me.  I fell in love.  It was all I wanted to do.  It consumed my life.  If I wasn’t shooting a film, I was editing a film, if I wasn’t editing, I was writing, if I wasn’t writing I was researching cameras, if I wasn’t doing that, then I was learning about lighting and shot composition.  As far as obstacles, money is the issue that fights all artists, and even though my family has been very supportive, I had to work two jobs during high school in order to save up money to purchase my camera equipment.

Who was your greatest influence and why?

Honestly, I  have to say Erik Beck, the creator of BFX.  Without him I wouldn’t have learned all the small tricks it takes to start making small films.  He taught me everything I needed to know.  He taught me how to makes films on
shoestring budgets.  He is the reason why I know much more than my fellow students in film school.  He is the reason why I am finishing my second feature at age 19, he is the reason I am the person I am today.

Who was your greatest supporter and why?

I don’t know if there is anyone in particular, but my parents have really been very supportive.  They always have been.  It’s weird because my mom never got a chance to go to college and my dad is a chiropractor, but they never really objected to me becoming a filmmaker.  Which is great, because they have always wanted me to pursue it.  Although I am not that interested in continuing film school like they want, they still support me in my decisions.  I might have been cut off from a life of filmmaking at the very beginning if it weren’t for my mother’s support.  My first serious attempt at a short film was back in 2008, and right before production started, my grandmother passed away.  I was about to cancel the shoot because it was scheduled ON the day of my grandmother’s funeral.  However, my mother insisted that I continued the shoot and leave the after-funeral dinner early in order to shoot the film.

What is the best part about being a filmmaker?

There are so many advantages to being a filmmaker.  It’s an art that everyone can enjoy.  Not everyone likes paintings, or dancing, or poetry, but almost everyone loves movies.  Filmmaking also allows for complete artistic control; more than any other art, in my opinion.  It contains almost all of the arts.  Photography out of cinematography, painting out of lighting and framing, poetry or writing out of the script, dancing out of choreography and blocking, music out of the score or even the sound mix and collage work out of editing.  It’s this perpetual blend of all the arts, and allows a filmmaker complete control over the medium.

Did you ever decide at any moment that you wanted to walk away from filmmaking?

Wow, I hate telling this story, but a long time ago, at least 4 or 5 years ago, right as I started getting into filmmaking, I decided I was going to make a zombie movie.  I passed around flyers at my school to get extras to play zombies.  I had at least 20 friends say they were going to show up.  About 5 did.  My mom felt so bad that she forced my sister and her friend to dress up and play zombies as well, but I was still so unprepared for the shoot that I had to cancel it.  I was young, I was embarrassed, it was pretty bad.

If so, what made you stay?

Just because I messed up didn’t mean I stopped loving movies.  Out of everything, I learned so much about the necessity for pre-production.  I only had a script outline and light storyboards.  I didn’t know what I was going to be shooting first, or my exact shots.  So when I was on set that day I was completely unprepared.  Now I know how important every step of the process is.  I also know I will probably never make a zombie movie again.

Is there anything you fear with this career? And if so, how do you overcome it?

Well, with every career there is the main fear of just being unsuccessful in it, which is obviously a little scary.  When I see the “industry professionals” who scan Craigslist every 15 minutes for a new gig, it worries me, because I don’t want to be in that situation.  Although my biggest dream is to become a well-known director, my biggest passion in film is cinematography.  So if I end up as a DP (director of photography) then I will in no way be upset.  My true biggest fear is ceasing to express myself.  The whole point of filmmaking to me is self-expression.  It’s my only vice.  It’s my only release.   Without it, I might just explode.  So I guess my biggest fear is exploding.  To prevent that, I have to take the gigs that matter to me.  Whether it is working on my own films, or working as a DP for other people, I need to know I will be able to add my creative input.  For my own films, as long as I have a certain story, or more importantly, a feeling that I need to convey, I expect that I should be safe from exploding.

What was the idea that sparked your second film, Hylo?

It all started one night when The Swine Four were hanging out. The “Swine Four,” is a term that Quinn Dougherty made up to describe myself and the three friends who make up the crew of Swine Films.  The four contains me, Quinn Dougherty, the composer mainly but was also producer on Hylo, David Conte, who partially co-wrote Hylo, and Robert Fitzgibbons, my best friend for the last ten years, who has helped out on almost every film I have ever made, as a grip/PA.  The story takes place in March 2011, while I was struggling trying to write my  second feature, which was a neo-noir.  I was trying to write it, but it felt forced and unnatural.  Anyway, one night we were bored and we were just driving in the woods around Chester County, where we live.  We drove in the dark woods and country roads for hours, just trying to get lost.  It was just us four guys in the car, and we were surrounded by huge trees and complete darkness.  It would have been pitch black if I had my headlights off.  We were just surrounded by this overwhelming presence of the woods.  We started talking about horror stories and tales, and David and I started talking about this one mythos about this suited man who lives in the woods and steals children.  It was this terrifying story that spawned on the Internet.  We started talking about the options of developing a feature film based around it, and that night we stayed up until 5am thinking of ideas, and thus Hylo was spawned.

What is your greatest achievement with Hylo?

I think the greatest achievement with Hylo was how fast and cheap we shot it. I wrote the script as cheaply as I could, but it came down to some serious planning to really make it happen.  We shot the film in eight and a half days.  It was supposed to be 9, however we got rained out about an hour into one of the shoots, and were unable to reschedule the day because of scheduling conflicts with the cast and crew, so we had to put the rest of the scenes from that day onto one of the other, already fully loaded shoots.  We were shooting 10-15 page days sometimes.  I think the final shoot; we shot 13 scenes, whichh is over 16 pages.  It was insane.  Somehow we did it.  On the second shoot, the production designer, Hannah Alpert, had to spend a few hours setting up this prop/special effect, and even though we were rushed the rest of the day, and had to make some artistic compromises, we still made our day.  We finally got all ready technically, and I went to the talent to start talking about the scene with them and seeing how they were feeling.  It was great because Shannon Jones, who plays the lead character Laura, and Leonard Dozier, who plays Frank, nailed it within the first two rehearsals.  And they were completely memorized and ready to shoot.  It was amazing. I was so proud.  If everyone, talent and crew, hadn’t been up to their “A-game” there is no way we would have been able to do it.  We shot it for about 4000 dollars, which was just the money I had saved up from working at Best Buy.  More than half of that went to the cast and crew, the rest went to food and such.

What message do you have for others that might have a dream or a vision in mind but are afraid to take the next steps?

Just find passion in your art.  I see so many peers at my film school who just aren’t passionate enough to produce anything. They spend too much time partying and wasting time to make anything of value.  If you really care about your art, find something close to your heart; that you are passionate about, and express it in your art.  Hylo came out of this transitional period in my life when I was moving out of my world surrounded by the woods, and moving into the city of Philadelphia where there were little to no trees.  You find this passion inside of you.  You need to bring it out.  If you are passionate about something, it will get done.  You just have to keep working at it.  I made 2 feature films with no money, entirely self-produced.  I worked hard, and it happened.  As long as you have passion, and care about what you are creating, then the rest will just fall into place.

Since I was already in New York to write a review for Stage Magazine and staying overnight, I was able to meet with my favorite divas Abby and Maren for our monthly diva meeting to discuss this very issue.  We also welcomed a fourth member; the lovely, talented and FUNNY Kara Morgan, who is the sassy mastermind behind The Kara Morgan Show.  Abby and I had joined two different Dallas Travers programs, (both currently at the halfway point) and were excited to share some of the things we had learned.  Telling three people every day about our goal, daily phone calls, sending out postcards to a target list and doing physical drop offs of materials in lieu of putting them in the mail, were just a sampling of the things we were doing during the programs.  We both were feeling the undeniable momentum and energy gleaned from doing these tasks as well as enjoying the new relationships we were building; ones that would ultimately get us to our goals.

We just need to remember that the people behind the audition table and in the casting offices have information that could be useful to us.  We need to get to know them, have them mentor us, and think of them as those that help us reach our goals and not ones keeping us from them.

A week ago, when picking a monologue as part of my homework assignment for the first of what would be four sessions, I had narrowed it down to two possibilities.  One was more like me in the playful and sensual way.  The words sounded like me, ones I might say; emotions never venturing too far outside of the lines.  I knew right away that it felt too easy and wouldn’t stretch me.  The other, however, made my hands shake when reading it.  It scared me to even contemplate and was a far leap from any emotional experience I had juggled with on a stage thus far.  Despite my discomfort, I gravitated towards the one that made my heart pound.  I was in this for the long haul and if I was going to learn, really turn myself inside out, this would be the one to get me there.

Later, as I slumped in the bus seat on my way back to Philadelphia, I replayed the session in my head.  I held a notebook filled with over two hours of notes and terms that were new to me.  As my mind tried to process everything that I had experienced, I realized with a tired smile how much I loved feeling overwhelmed.  It meant that I had touched on something that had the ability to propel me to the next level as a performer.

These last few months have been synonymous to having jumped out of a plane over and over.   I have been dancing with fear and I liked how it felt.  This newest experience was another heart-pounding leap.  There is a poignant exhilaration experienced when fear is broken.  A side effect of this is feeling incredibly alive.  Moving forward despite it allows me to walk down the same road as the successful ones before me; the ones that I want to become.

It is the rite of passage for giants and if I want the ultimate success, I have to walk it.  I do so willingly.