It was such a peculiar feeling that I stopped in my tracks on the sidewalk.
I was not filled with angst, worry, nervousness, desperation, frustration, nor was I roiling in my internal dialogue of criticism. Should I be? Did I stop caring? Do I not want it badly enough?
I had actually had a good time and, dare I say, a blast. I exited the audition room door with a huge smile on my face as fellow actors looked on. I was almost giggling because it had been fun. I had laughed and chatted with the people inside, did an audition that was void of my usual nerves, with a voice as fun and free as I had ever experienced.
It was after a half hour of running errands and making some phone calls when I realized the liberating sensation. It was then that I made a profound connection. It wasn’t that I didn’t care. I care more than ever. That care was reflected in my ever-changing strategies to get closer to my dreams that I hope will prove fruitful. I had started to focus on the process of achieving my goals such as networking, building relationships, and training instead of just falling on the audition sword; a practice that is emotionally exhausting. Auditions are incredibly important, of course, but I realize that it is one of many end results; not the ONLY end result.
And the lovely irony that usually presents itself in these situations is that when focusing on the bigger picture, the smaller snapshots along the way (the audition) becomes liberated and thus, better. In my mind, I had started entering the audition room as a colleague and a collaborator and not just the seeker. I had, officially, embraced the process. I love the explosive epiphany of realizations like this. I can only hope it will bring me closer along my path to my dream.