It feels a lot like holding a flaming match in your hand. The fire is strong, full of heat and purpose, but not yet finding its final purpose. You coax the match to take by cupping your hand over the flame to keep the moving air from snuffing it out. You wait for the match to send the fire to its final source, lighting the wick that will send the candle to its glowing state or light the fuse that will send the rocket skyward. I have discovered within myself this pool of impatience when it comes to the quiet places in between the explosions of action in my pursuits. I live for action, for goal-getting, for process-perusal, for dream-doing. I also notice that if the pauses get long, I tend to retreat instead of reaching out into the very field I’m trying to be a part of. One of the things I have re-committed to doing is seeing my peers in their shows, being there to support them, and allowing the very presence in that world to infuse me when the road seems longer than I would like it to be. Sometimes I would worry that doing this would only remind me of what I still didn’t have. Of course I was wrong. I went back to the Barn, my stomping grounds for the Light in the Piazza, to see a show. Walking into the lobby instantly made me smile with the memories. It was fun to see familiar faces and to hear words of encouragement to “keep going” and to drink in the unexpected confidence in their voices that my pursuits will pay off. I was there for so much more than to simply see a show. I was there to be present in the craft that I have loved for as long as I can remember. I was silly to think that it would make me feel worse about not performing at present. It made me feel so much better. I felt myself growing lighter in my chair with these reminders, supporting the actors on the stage, allowing them to enjoy, fully, their time under the lights. Instead of retreating in to my pursuits, and feeling alone in them, I was, once again, reaching out. We all share this fire in our belly. We all see the road ahead and our desire to stay firmly on it. I need to embrace my craft fully by embracing the pursuits that we all share.
I love this post, Amy! That realization that we are part of something larger than ourselves and that seeing others engaged in the joy of performing can be inspiring. Thanks for the reminder.
Hey cuz… even though we live so far apart and I really haven’t gotten to spend much time with you- I so identify and appreciate your being able to put this very feeling into words. What power! I pray you are able to let that fire go and continue to reach up, out, every which way and share that belly fire!
kimberly