Paying your dues when you don’t

“This is not hard work,” I thought to myself when reviewing these past months of coaching my voice, taking dance classes, networking, marketing myself, and auditioning.  Part of loving my craft is loving the cultivation of it.  The blood pumps into my limbs and fuels them for action, the sweat pours from the body as I learn a new dance move that will aid in a future audition, the tears release the excitement or the tension or bring forth the emotion of a phrase.  As I play the waiting game again this week after a promising audition,  I have realized that “paying my dues” was having the endurance necessary to keep going and not giving up.   The disappointments can surround you, the discouragement can poison your positive outlook, the very powerful urge to quit, after a particularly hard day, can seduce you to inaction.  Fighting that urge tooth and nail is my hard work, and is fought with true blood, sweat, and tears.  I will gladly pay these dues, no matter how hard it may seem.  My dream is closer than it has ever been before.  It is on the other side of the door that I am leaning against, my head resting on its hard surface; my hand reaching to turn the knob.   When the door opens and I finally walk through, my dues will have been paid in full.

Connective Tissue

All of you were a strong and unbreakable tether that linked me to the other side.  You fed me strength and wisdom when I was swimming in one of my weaker moments.  You, my close friends and family across the miles, unified in your support, turned your radars my way as I hurt, sometimes alone with my pain, in a far off place.  As I was forced to helplessly observe eye-opening dynamics pouring forth from pained loved ones, your gentle words of encouragement trickled in on my phone through messages, emails and calls.  Those little touches kept me focused until I could find my own footing.  Being vulnerable, I selfishly drank in your generosity; lacking any capacity to give back or utter a thank you.  I had to trust that all of you knew of my gratitude.   I commensurated with my family in ways that I had never done so before as life cracked open in front of me, revealing the tormented and sadder elements.

I first felt the profoundness of your connections when I had launched my quest to traverse the next level of my singing career and last week when life delivered one of those unexpected blows, I felt your connections again.  I pulled the only strength that I had from all of you.  I observed your own drives for happiness; reminding me that life goes on and steers us in the direction of the joyous and the ways of the living.

Thank you all for being on the other end of my tether.