Open Letter to Man’s Mind

Inaction is my most uncomfortable state of being; especially when what I want to do most in the world is move. I felt this yesterday when I was notified of my stepfather’s unexpected passing and knowing that over 1700 miles separated me from my grieving family. I completed the task of booking the earliest possible flight home and spent the rest of the evening pacing the floors of my mind. At the gate I watched my flight’s crew check in and walk the ramp to the plane and I thanked every one of them for pursuing what may have been a childhood dream to fly, completing endless hours of flight school, and logging countless hours of flight time; enduring what I’m sure have been pay cuts and furloughs but still forging ahead with hands on the throttle. I thanked the flight attendants walking to the gate with coffee in hand and sleepy eyes, for waking up with the alarm or wake-up call and making it to the crew shuttle and thus, to the airport on time to keep my flight from being delayed. As I sat in my seat, I felt the first shred of peace as the powerful thrusters came to life; finally moving me at a rate of speed I could live with and had been waiting for hours before. The engines continued their roar under my chair; pumping with fuel, the blood of countless years of engineering, design, and testing from those who, as young men and women, may have bent over a desk at MIT, working on a physics problem or calculation. I felt the brains, sweat, and committment of many, driving my body down a runway and eventually into the air, making an enemy of gravity and lifting me swiftly closer to my mother’s grieving arms.

Find your own white horse

The calm inside the studio contrasted with the zoo of activity brimming just outside the door as several hundred hopefuls were either lining up in their groups, coming off the elevators, or chatting with their neighbors.  I stood alongside 14 others inside the room as we talked amongst ourselves, (instructed to do so), while they looked us over and then flipped through our headshots and resumes.  My heart bounced and bumped in my chest as I saw mine get placed to the side to be joined only by two others.  I tried to act like I didn’t notice while talking to my neighbor about how many auditions she had done that week.  As my name was called and I was asked to stay, I experienced the simple thrill of being chosen out of a lineup.  My first in a New York audition.  Walking back out of the room, my heart pounded as I went to grab my music, swig some water, and refresh my lipstick as the majority of people left for the elevator.

The familiar jolt was there instantly like a shot to the arm.  My vessels dilated with the focus settling me as I got into a second line.  I hugged my songbook to my chest, closed my eyes and ran my 16 bars through my head; making the emotional connections necessary as taught in my recent coachings.  I decided that it was OK to allow myself to revel in the rarity of the moment because they fuel us to endure the next round of auditions where we may experience nary a nod.  It is our protection against giving up. After a couple of minutes the door opened again.  I took two deep breaths and walked into the room for the second time…..

Sitting together in audition holding areas, sharing a glass of wine or leaning in over coffee, we remind each other that the pursuits in this profession should not be seen as ones peppered with rejection but simply as moments about not being exactly what they need.  We hold mental fortitude against the continual onslaught of doubts threatening our self-confidence.  We learn to love the process as much as the outcome; growing and improving with each experience.

Having said that, I was not surprised to observe most of that logic fly swiftly out the window as I stood in the room in those few seconds when I watched the music director’s hand brush over my headshot.  I felt the overwhelming and almost childlike desire to simply be picked.

As this round of auditions ended and I pushed the elevator button like I had done so many times over these several months, I allowed myself, again, to imagine receiving the phone call with my dream on the other end of it.

Curveball Revisted

“Rolling and….”

I immediately jumped in to character, bouncing up on the balls of my feet, laughing out loud so that when I heard the adrenaline-rushing words “Action!” the camera would catch me mid-fun as if just walking in on a party.  I was relieved when I heard the director say, “Exactly!” and “Good!” and finally “That should do it!” only after only a small number of takes.  In between takes, I would stand quietly on my mark and closely watch the technical activity taking place around me, an endlessly fascinating observance.  The shoot consisted of with me and two other girls strutting Charlie’s Angels-style, with me as the pack leader, out of the lobby of the Mohegan Sun Casino.  We were replete with cocktail dresses, smokey eyes, and plenty of bling.  After we wrapped the commercial, we got to take some fun still shots of the same celebratory, post-winnings scene.  This would be my second assignment sent on when, on a whim, I had submitted my headshot and had taken a screen test with a local agency.

You know how I feel about curveballs.  They come at me out of left field and strike me right in the center of my life.  They shake me, wake me, infuse me, and make me reach in ways that always makes me better in some way that will lead me to my dream’s door.  Curveballs land at my feet, causing them to shift in step, sending me in a different direction.  I find myself on a path I never conceived of before, walking through fields of opportunities, opening windows and doors of chance and possibilities.  My life, although immensely more challenging, has also become immensely more rewarding and, frankly, more fun.  The best way to describe this sensation is that I feel as though I’m walking in the shoes of my truest self.  I embrace that which makes me feel alive if not a little scared like one might feel hanging at the precipice of a rollercoaster’s exhilarating plunge.

Enjoy the ride, my friends.

Checking footage

Coffee on Set!

Bling!