Fighting Forward

Life as of late has been a constant exercise in push and pull, in resistance and freedom, in fear and confidence.  Behind me now is the tremendous and momentum-changing 42-Day Challenge that has left me with not only a more focused plan to success but a healthier mindset to help get me there.  I looked at the last of the post-it notes peppered on my wall; reminders of completed milestones and tasks concluded.  But did I feel any closer?

After the last of a series of acting coaching sessions concluded, I sat on the home-bound bus and looked out at the falling rain.  Resting my weary forehead on the window, I felt that twinge of worry creeping in and wondered if all of the work would eventually add up.  Would this fire in my belly ever be satisfied?

I realize that most of life’s rewards are not found within the ends but within the means.  A lot of my joy experienced is a result of the process of breaking the mold over and over.  I know the happiness of learning something new in a lesson that would make me better.  But I want the ultimate prize.  I want the end to reflect the means that I have forged.  Sometimes, such as on a dark bus, I worry that it won’t happen for me.

I have put defense mechanisms in place to combat the doubt when it brims and I smile as I remember the new one I had just added last week after a particularly good acting session on a sunny day in New York.  I replayed the words my acting coach said to me as he pointed with a serious look on his face, ”you are a leading lady.”  I stood before him after two hours of work and let out a deep breath, taking the words in.  I visualized in that moment how my feet would feel on the planks of the professional theatre stage.  The thrilling jolt I felt, just a glimpse of what the real experience would be, was enough to dispel the doubt.

As the dark bus drove through the rain, I reminded myself of that feeling and of what I said out loud as I walked briskly to my bus on that sunny Manhattan day:  ”All I need to do is never give up.”