Dive

My heart was pounding in my chest and my hands were balmy with sweat.  Tears were brimming as my acting coach looked at me with intensity, my monologue in his hands as he followed along.  Feelings welled up in me as I realized that I was no longer delivering the lines of an alcoholic on her 184th day of sobriety but was living them.  My plan to show intention in the lines and emotions stepped deftly aside as the actual emotions took hold.  The words suddenly leapt from the page and took their first breaths along with mine.  I had just experienced the effects of an acting technique that, in the most simplest terms, is used to help connect your emotions to the words on the page, making them come alive.

A week ago, when picking a monologue as part of my homework assignment for the first of what would be four sessions, I had narrowed it down to two possibilities.  One was more like me in the playful and sensual way.  The words sounded like me, ones I might say; emotions never venturing too far outside of the lines.  I knew right away that it felt too easy and wouldn’t stretch me.  The other, however, made my hands shake when reading it.  It scared me to even contemplate and was a far leap from any emotional experience I had juggled with on a stage thus far.  Despite my discomfort, I gravitated towards the one that made my heart pound.  I was in this for the long haul and if I was going to learn, really turn myself inside out, this would be the one to get me there.

Later, as I slumped in the bus seat on my way back to Philadelphia, I replayed the session in my head.  I held a notebook filled with over two hours of notes and terms that were new to me.  As my mind tried to process everything that I had experienced, I realized with a tired smile how much I loved feeling overwhelmed.  It meant that I had touched on something that had the ability to propel me to the next level as a performer.

These last few months have been synonymous to having jumped out of a plane over and over.   I have been dancing with fear and I liked how it felt.  This newest experience was another heart-pounding leap.  There is a poignant exhilaration experienced when fear is broken.  A side effect of this is feeling incredibly alive.  Moving forward despite it allows me to walk down the same road as the successful ones before me; the ones that I want to become.

It is the rite of passage for giants and if I want the ultimate success, I have to walk it.  I do so willingly.

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